Let us Introduce: BFF* Barely Fucking Functional

BFF*

Barely fucking functional

Introducing BFF*: a never-ending email conversation between two best friends, Nadia Kandil & Carin Falk, who are trying to keep their lives together. Topics include outfit ideas, sex, what wines Nadia hates, anxiety attacks, dating and shoe porn. I don’t know what we’ve gotten ourselves into, giving them this much proverbial airtime, but should be interesting. 

Nadia Kandil

Aug 9, 2020, 6:50 PM
So, I had a conversation with a friend who’s actively dating, which I am not, because of my multiple anxieties (we don’t have to get into that now). Either way, she tells me horror stories about first dates with weirdos (one of them took her to Jensens Böfhus) and I feel like I’d rather be single and unfucked for the rest of my life than having to go to fucking Böfhaus on a date. 

But then again, I feel bubbly and want to kiss boys. Where do I find normal people to go out with? What do I do? We need a plan 

Nadia Kandil

Aug 12, 2020, 8:10 PM
Excuse you?!! Why aren’t you answering my email??

Carin Falk

Thu, Aug 13, 12:36 PM
Oh, I’m sorry, I have been on a three-day long date. No joke. Will get back to you tomorrow. Love you.

Nadia Kandil

Thu, Aug 13, 2:40 PM
Yeah ok, perfect. I’m not bitter.

Carin Falk

Tue, Aug 14, 2:21 PM
Hey man,
First of all, LOL. I’m so sorry your friend had to suffer through a date at that place. You do, however, have to SUFFER if you want to date. Any experience that potentially could cause a bubbly feeling in you will inevitably also cause very negative feelings. I hate to break it to you. You can’t have one without the other.

*Brb* I have to go change my email signature to Dating Expert, bc I’m writing as if I am one. But seriously, I do have a lot of experience. Since I became SiNgLe a year and a half ago, I’ve been on a hell of a lot of bad dates. You know, you’ve been along for the ride. You laughed at me, called me insane and did some very serious stalking on my behalf. And out of all those thirty something really weird and bad dates I ended up on one that was really good (that’s the three day long one last week obvi). That’s simply the statistics of dating. 

Dating means feeling stuff, exposing yourself, letting go of pride and opening up. Are you feeling nauseous yet?

Ps. The three-day long date turned into a four-day long date fyi.

Nadia Kandil

Aug 18, 2020, 5:29 PM 
This is a whole lot of sugar-coating bullshit you’re saying, obv cause you’re straight out of your four-day-long-whatever. Also are you in love now? That’s even worse isn’t it? Talk about no sleep, no eating, constant nausea. So happy for you obvi.

But I don’t know if I can take any of those horrible first date experiences you had. Honestly right now I feel I’d rather be alone with my Satisfyer Pro. But then again, I want to make out. Is there a shortcut? Help. 

Carin Falk

Aug 20, 2020, 12:18 PM 
No shortcuts, sorry man. With that attitude the only one you’ll be able to make out with is me thb.

Sound like you need a fuck buddy. A friend, not a date. C x

Nadia Kandil

Aug 20, 2020, 5:29 PM 
Ahhh, should I start with a fuck buddy? How do I get one of those?

Carin Falk

Aug 21, 2020, 12:18 PM 
This is such a breakthrough??? We just figured out what you need?

I would start sorting through your existing friends, anyone there you can sleep with?

Nadia Kandil

Aug 23, 2020, 5:29 PM 
Ok, seriously? Start sleeping with my existing friends? 2 problems with that: 1. Do I want to go there with my actual friends? 2. All of my male friends are gay, so.

Carin Falk

Aug 23, 2020, 7:18 PM 
I hear you. Since you hate dating apps, you’re going to have to recruit someone IRL. If we were not in the middle of a pandemic, I would pour a bottle of wine in you and take you out and wing the f out of you. However, Corona complicates things. A lot

Nadia Kandil

Aug 18, 2020, 9:29 PM 
True. So, between me hating dating apps, hating people in general and being in a pandemic BUT still loving alcohol, we really only got one option. You getting me drunk and setting me up with someone you know?

Carin Falk

Aug 23, 2020, 10:18 PM 
Um, yes. You helped me get my hands on a Pangaia set. It’s only fair I help you get laid. Seriously. 

STAY TUNED FOR NEXT EPISODE OF BFF* 

Barely fucking functional 

Will Nadia ever get laid? Also, what does a four-day long date even look like?